so here I am four years later going back to the same old same old. this time around however, may be a bit more enticing for readers. I've grown up a lot and realized that there are so many things in my head that do not coincide with what reality has to offer. so lets start off small before we get into the big stuff shall we? last August I went into the ER because I was having these fits that resembled seizures, however there was nothing physically wrong with me. well on this particular trip they decided to give me 2 doses of lorazapam, when I stopped shaking, obviously due to the drugs, they had a lady come and give me a psyche evaluation. at the end of this extremely brief meeting the lady handed me a slip that read. "DAIGNOSIS: SEVERE ANXIETY AND IRRITATED INSOMNIA." great, just what I wanted to hear. "this isn't real, its all in your head." The thing with panic attacks is, that no matter what caused them or how they are portrayed from person to person bottom line is you can't control what you are doing anymore because you are on a chemical high from your brain that convinces your that you are going to die and that this moment of sheer terror and excruciatingly painful experience will never end. the mistake most people make is that they start asking you "what's wrong?" or "how can I help?" honestly the only thing you can do is be there. if we say "hold me", then hold us, if we tell you we need to go for a walk come with us, the only thing you should make sure you are doing is staying with them. there is nothing worse than having a panic attack alone at home with no one to help you understand that it is not a heart attack and you are not about to die. often times when left unsupervised, a panicking person may do something stupid or irrational. for instance I had a panic attack a few nights ago where I swore there was something crawling around under my skin, if my beautiful wonderful caring and brilliant boyfriend where not there, I would have a chunk of thigh missing right now. or when my boyfriend gets his version of a panic attack which is much different than mine, he becomes very violent very angry and very destructive to himself and things that represent who he is. these where both attempts to try to make the panic attack go away before what we seem to think is imminent death races towards us.



but before I bore you to death and get thrown in jail for accidental man slaughter, ill sign off for the night. goodnight to all of you for taking the time to read this, and for those of you reading this because you know what i'm going through, stay strong my beautiful ponies. our days are not actually numbered, and you do have control over how long this struggle will last. don't be afraid to talk to someone, even if it's just a random person you really don't know. sometimes they will be of some help. <3 ^~^ air kisses to you all!

How do you explain something you can't understand
Is it worth even trying?
What happens in those moment where you can't feel anything?
Only fear and confusion,
when you feel trapped and angry.
I can't tell you.
I wish I could.
There's many times in my life I've found
That living and breathing and functioning are impossible
I lose control, sometimes I just lay there,
Others i shake uncontrollably.
I don't remember these times,
All I know is what others have told me.

So why do I keep trying?

I love you

A little girl once held the world, she loved her life and almost everybody in it. She was okay with the fact that her mother was bi-polar, and never matured past the age of four-teen. She didn't let what anyone said worry her, she didn't care about anyone except her close friends. She was happily content, she had been single all her life, an didn't have any interest in truly dating someone. but everything began to change when she decided to go to a party with two marvelous friends, Miri, and Marvel. at this party was a boy who was exactly six-teen months older than this little girl. At first he showed no interest in the little girl due to her undeveloped bust. She had no interest in this boy, because his personality was one of a perverted old man.. after dinner the three friends went to change out of their uncomfortably wet swimming suits.

Three days after this party Miri had to move to the other side of the country. Before Miri left, the older boy decided to make his move on her, right before she left he kissed her. she liked him, but knew we NOT dating material, so nothing came from this experience. after dealing with this rejection the sly older boy moved on to the 'next best thing' Marvel. The older boy asked the innocent little girl to make a time for both him and Marvel to hang out with each other. and of course the ignorant little girl said yes, and made it a date.

This date went very well, but as the little girl was most open to talking to the older boy he was drawn to her. He wanted to start a war amongst three friends, and he wanted to weasel his way in. the other girls where smart enough to see that, and rejected him quickly, but since this little girl thought nothing could touch her because she was pretty. he found her weakness and tore his way slowly into her life. This older boy loved getting and ego boost through making girls fight for him.

Later on the older boy continued to talk to the little girl and flirted profusely with her. she slightly flirted back, thinking nothing would come of it, because nothing ever does. they all flirt with her but never follow through, little did she know how lucky she was to be rid of the sickening species of men. One night they where talking and he asked her out, and being ignorant and eager for something new she said yes. oh how she said yes with a smile on her face and a song in her heart.

this older boy knew his way around women from years of experience in being a manipulative jerk. he flirted with her in every way he could, he was the sweet country boy from those cheesy chick flicks, he was the sweet guitarist who wanted nothing more than to serenade his lady, he was the cocky cock that sometimes attracts teenage girls, he was the dedicated military-man some girls would die for. this little girl didn't care what he was, she just wanted to her the three sweetest and most foul words ever to be uttered.

She was the sexual flirt she knew he wanted. she let him say horrible things to her that she didn't understand. she let him talk her into things that she never would have conjured up. she pretended to be a full grown woman. she tried being her mother to keep him around. no matter what she tried he always needed that extra confidence boost that only comes from making women fight. her friend Yuffie cam along and tried to stay innocent to this scheme, but she was too much of a tease to stay away.

The older boy grabbed Yuffie's number immediately and talked her swiftly into many things. one of which was going to his church one Wednesday evening. He talked sweet to her like only he could. He was a gentleman who showed her off like his arm candy. Yuffie fell in love with the attention and tried to stay with him, but with out letting the little girl in on it.

at some point the Older boy decided that we weren't fighting enough for him, he wanted more. he left the little girl with no reasoning but 'things are new and exciting at the beginning, then you play with it a little bit and it gets boring'. The little girl convinced herself that she wasn't going to let him get away with being right about her being 'boring' she turned on her sex and never went back.

the older boy then began dating Yuffie who never seemed all that interested, but loved the attention. she would follow him around like a leashes puppy. she wanted someone to tell her how pretty she was, she wanted someone to say she was worth something more than just another mouth to feed and provide for. She needed unconditional love that no boy could offer.

The boy continued to talk and flirt with both girls loving the attention and what he thought was going on behind closed doors but he was wrong, neither girl knew the other even cared in the least about this perverted old man. they continued to fall for his scam, he soon realized, we weren't fighting and he had to change that. he knew the little girl would never say anything about her liking him, so he had to attack poor Yuffie.

He invited the little girl to a movie like he had multiple times before and did the same he would if she was his girl. he threw himself at her. at first she tried to stop him knowing Yuffie would be hurt, but eventually she knew she liked him too much to stop him forever and gave in. they made out with the air of guilt laying heavily waiting to ponce at the first sign of delay, and it did.

the next night the little girl and yuffie went to a movie together and loved each other more than anything ever before. they loved how they understood each other and how they felt. they loved that they enjoyed the same things. they loved how beautiful the other was. they loved how close they could be without it getting awkward. they loved the fact that they could sit there in the bathroom and talk about the most random things and not care what anyone else said about them.

Their ride home was late and they loved spending time with each other so much they watched another movie, but this time they both decided to invite the older boy to join them. He tried to cover up the fact that he was terrified of being in the middle of this. He thought we would tear him out for cheating on us, and be bitched at for the rest of the night, but that didn't happen. both the little girl and Yuffie kept quiet. Yuffie was to busy making out with the older boy while the little girl sat there trying not to cry and feel betrayed.

at the end of the night all was revealed, the love was broken for all of them. there was nothing but caution and not wanting to hurt anyone after that. there was tension and anger. there was pride and lust. but no love, just a competition at who got the man. the older boy got what he wanted, he destroyed a friendship for a little ego boost that didn't last long.

the little girls hunger for his lustful touch made her crazy. made her want to do anything to get him back. she hurt many people along the way. she said things she shouldn't have. she did things that where unusual. she tried her hardest to be who he wanted for a full year after he left her for dead.

suicide note

in prison for life
for a silly crime
I'll do my time
but lose my mind
I'll eat my food
and do my work
do as they say,
but waste away
my life was not so clean
my life was not so perfect
they can blame for everything
they don't need my constant irate
i keep to myself
i don't say a word
if they don't know
then the pain can't hurt
I love you my dear
as the sky loves a bird
i want you to know
i memorized every word.

~convinced-death123

No Pain by AngelsDemise

you see no mark upon my skin
you see no tear in my eye
you see no sign of pain
therefor I must not be in pain

I must not cry myself
to sleep at night
or wake up screaming
because of haunted dreams
I must not pull the blade
across my skin
and hope that one day
it drives in deeper
I must not fear the darkness
or shudder at the thought of silence
I must not hide myself from
life and prying eyes that
judge your worth as a person
upon the shine of your smile

you hear no gasp escape my mouth
you hear no horror tale from my past
you hear no words of pain
therefor I must not be in pain

I must not scream so loud it's silent
or throw things against my
bedroom walls
I must not kick and scream
and punch things that no one else can see
I must not drown myself
in the brown bagged bottle
in the hopes that i will forget
or tie the rope around my neck
and pray i find the courage to
pull it tighter


you don't see or hear my pain
therefor you think i feel no pain
you see what I choose for you to see
you hear what I choose for you to hear
you know not what he did to me
you know not what she did to me
you know not what you did to me
you know not the pain I feel
you know only what I want you to know
but just because you do not see or hear it
does not mean that the pain is not there
locked away inside of me, where it will always be

Marigold

Date: August 3rd
Time: 10:16 pm
Place: Carmike Cinemas, Columbus, GA
It’s nice out tonight, and I figured it would be a good night to see a movie. I wish I could find a place to safely sleep under the stars. The breeze smells of vanilla lime and dust. I pan on watching the newest feature, whatever that may be. As I’m looking at the new openings I distant laughter from behind. I decide on what I’m going to see.
“Wow, my hallucinations are never this real.” a familiar voice joked.
“Morelle! Wow, I um- this is interesting.” I stammer. How can you meet up with someone three times in different places and they not be the one for you?
“Haha. If I didn’t know better I’d say you were stalking me. Now this is gonna be creepy- do you wanna go watch the stars with me?” She said blushing slightly.
“How did you-? Of course! But I couldn’t find anywhere quite right.” Is this really happening? Did she really just say that? I thought, then a voice in the back of my head simply said ‘Amandier’ “Wait,” I say stopping her in her steady jaunt. “I just want to know, Do you have someone waiting for you at home?”
She turns abruptly, “What does it matter? I’m not asking you to have sex with me if that’s what you where think!” She looked seriously offended. “It’s not like I’m asking anything that friends can’t be doing. Besides, since you don’t know whether I like you or not, then I could benefit from lying, so you would have no way to tell my truth from your lie. But if you must know, I only have my brother, his girlfriend, and their two Children.”
“That was not what I was thinking or accusing you of! I meant no harm, I just needed to know if I had a chance to win such a fair maidens heart or if it was already taken.” I shuffle my feet slightly. “And I wouldn’t want to fall in love with you only to find out you are devoted to another man, or worse, woman.” She laughed with enjoyment.
“I am surely not a homosexual, but I understand completely, I just want to make sure that the boys the are only after my cherry,” she gestured to her vaginal area “are scared off. So, do you still want to go watch the stars?”
“So let me get this straight, Amandier is your brother correct?” I say hopefully.
“Correct. Are you coming or not?” She ran ahead waving me forward.
The stars where lovely, and Morelle, oh she is so intelligent and so talkative, we constantly had something to talk about. I’ve never liked those girls who sit there and wait for the man to make the first move. They seem so weak and fragile, and so eager to please that I don’t trust them in the slightest.

Marigold (aww cont.)

Date: August 2nd
Time: 2:54am
Place: Foxxden Coffee Café, St. Greenville GA
The air, full of tension and coffee. Black cases with laptops fill the rooms. How the modern technology has killed the ancient art of writing! You do not learn when you have a computer fixing your mistakes! It just doesn’t work that way! I find a pen and pen more intellectual and fun. I always use a pen because if what you write is important then there will be no mistakes.
“Hello again.” whispered a voice from over my shoulder. I jumped quickly covering my page with my arm and smudging the still wet ink.
“Hello” I say realizing there is no reason for my shock and reaction.
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to startle you. Do you remember me? Oh of course you don’t, no one remembers-”
“Morelle,” I say making her smile and shut up.
“Oh so you do remember?! I’m sorry for yesterday I just really had to catch that bus, and with all that stuff going on lately Amandier is so worried. I just can’t stay out past curfew! Will you ever forgive me for my rude thoughtlessness?” She promptly recited in a way that needs to be repeated.
All I could say was, “You weren’t rude you were in a hurry. It’s perfectly necessary to be rude to stranger to catch a bus… I wish I could say as much for myself.” I had a wide grin on.
She smiled genuinely at me and Quoted, “The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart. You know who said that?” I shook my head, “No, Helen Keller. An amazing child you know that?”
We sat and talked until it was time for her bus. This time she wore A white blouse, jeans and high heeled boots. Her hair still in a brunette braid, except it was over her left should instead of hanging low on her back.
I Blissfully think of our whole conversation and remember ‘Amandier is so worried. I just can’t stay out past curfew!’ Amandier, I thought, who is Amandier? It would be just my luck, sitting here thinking maybe it was meant to be while she only wanted a friend and had a boyfriend or worse a husband! How stupid of me to think that a precious jewel like Morelle would single!