Saturday, June 6, 2015

so here I am four years later going back to the same old same old. this time around however, may be a bit more enticing for readers. I've grown up a lot and realized that there are so many things in my head that do not coincide with what reality has to offer. so lets start off small before we get into the big stuff shall we? last August I went into the ER because I was having these fits that resembled seizures, however there was nothing physically wrong with me. well on this particular trip they decided to give me 2 doses of lorazapam, when I stopped shaking, obviously due to the drugs, they had a lady come and give me a psyche evaluation. at the end of this extremely brief meeting the lady handed me a slip that read. "DAIGNOSIS: SEVERE ANXIETY AND IRRITATED INSOMNIA." great, just what I wanted to hear. "this isn't real, its all in your head." The thing with panic attacks is, that no matter what caused them or how they are portrayed from person to person bottom line is you can't control what you are doing anymore because you are on a chemical high from your brain that convinces your that you are going to die and that this moment of sheer terror and excruciatingly painful experience will never end. the mistake most people make is that they start asking you "what's wrong?" or "how can I help?" honestly the only thing you can do is be there. if we say "hold me", then hold us, if we tell you we need to go for a walk come with us, the only thing you should make sure you are doing is staying with them. there is nothing worse than having a panic attack alone at home with no one to help you understand that it is not a heart attack and you are not about to die. often times when left unsupervised, a panicking person may do something stupid or irrational. for instance I had a panic attack a few nights ago where I swore there was something crawling around under my skin, if my beautiful wonderful caring and brilliant boyfriend where not there, I would have a chunk of thigh missing right now. or when my boyfriend gets his version of a panic attack which is much different than mine, he becomes very violent very angry and very destructive to himself and things that represent who he is. these where both attempts to try to make the panic attack go away before what we seem to think is imminent death races towards us.



but before I bore you to death and get thrown in jail for accidental man slaughter, ill sign off for the night. goodnight to all of you for taking the time to read this, and for those of you reading this because you know what i'm going through, stay strong my beautiful ponies. our days are not actually numbered, and you do have control over how long this struggle will last. don't be afraid to talk to someone, even if it's just a random person you really don't know. sometimes they will be of some help. <3 ^~^ air kisses to you all!